CAT SMITH ON INFERTILITY, RESILIENCE & THE ROAD TO MOTHERHOOD

Warning: This blog discusses infertility, IVF, miscarriage and two successful pregnancies as a result of the IVF process. We are aware of how upsetting these discussions can be for someone at any stage of infertility so if you need to skip this journal or come back to it at a later date, please do.

This week, we meet Cat — based in the Northern Rivers, Australia, she is a gifted photographer, devoted mother and all-round good human — who spent five years navigating the challenges of IVF to welcome her two beautiful children into the world. In this week’s feature, both interviewer and interviewee share the lived experience of infertility, opening up an honest, heartfelt conversation about resilience, hope, and the strength it takes to keep going.

This interview is dedicated to our sisters-in-arms — the women who are still waiting,
still hoping, still fighting. We see you. We know you. We are you.

TO START US OFF, CAN YOU SHARE A BIT ABOUT YOUR IVF JOURNEY - AND WHAT SORT OF BROUGHT YOU TO THE DECISION TO GO DOWN THAT ROAD?

I was 36 years old when I got married, and we started trying straight away, but it
didn’t happen for us naturally. After about a year, we had all the usual tests to make
sure we were healthy and that my egg count was fine. We began seeing an
obstetrician who advocates for laparoscopies and hysteroscopies before starting
any IVF treatment. So, we did that, and I had silent endometriosis removed. After
that, we moved on to IVF, and I was 38 years old when we had Bonnie. She was the
result of two rounds of IVF and our third transfer. Jack came along three years later,
after another three rounds of IVF and twelve more transfers — so it was a long, old
road.

WHAT DID THE WORKPLACE LOOK LIKE FOR YOU WHILST YOU WERE GOING THROUGH TREATMENT?

I was really lucky to have amazing bosses during both of my IVF journeys. I
remember so clearly sitting at my desk on a Friday afternoon when the scientist
called to say that the genetic testing had come back with no good embryos for
transfer — I just wasn’t expecting it. My workplace was such a supportive, female-led
space. I could just let them know what was going on and work from home when I
needed to.

When I started the immune protocol, I was doing a three hour round trip every fortnight
for intravenous intralipids, and it was all-consuming. We were lucky enough to be in a
financial position where I could leave my job and work with my husband in his
business, so luckily my workday was really flexible. I also started my own
photography business to bump up my income and have a creative outlet, which was
so important for me at the time.

HOW DID CREATIVITY HELP YOU THROUGH THE PROCESS?

I actually started my photography business doing maternity shoots! I’d be really open
with the women I was working with — I’d talk to them and share what I was going
through. Probably 80% of the women I spoke to had experienced similar struggles
with fertility or miscarriage, and I learned that the journey to pregnancy can be such a
long road for so many people. I also realised that opening up was never a bad thing
— it created space for honest conversations, and I felt really privileged to hold that
space for these women.

THAT IS A PRETTY WILD STEP TO TAKE WHILST GOING THROUGH IVF!

I actually loved being around pregnant people. I felt like they gave me all the good
juju. That approach doesn’t work for everyone, but it felt right for me.

THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON DURING TREATMENT - APPOINTMENTS, WAITING, INTENSE EMOTIONS - CAN YOU DESCRIBE A BIT ABOUT HOW THE PROCESS CHANGES THE PACE AND INTENSITY OF YOUR LIFE?

Oh, when you’re going through it, it is completely all-consuming. For us, an egg
collection would mean going up to the Gold Coast, staying the night there because of
a 5am start, or waking up at 3am to drive to the clinic, which some people do. I just
preferred staying overnight — it made me a bit more relaxed in the process. Then
comes the downtime of recovery; for a week, you feel pretty rough. And then there’s
the emotional downtime — waiting for results. That five-day wait to see which, if any,
embryos have made it, and waiting for the results of genetic testing, is agonizing.

The amount of medication I was taking at one point was insane, and you have to
keep taking it up until 16 weeks pregnant, so it goes on for a long time. Just
administering all of those injections every day is a real mental load. Part-way through
our treatment for Jack, we found out we had a partial DQ alpha match, so I also
started an immune protocol with immunosuppressants to combat the miscarriages I
was experiencing — which made me feel pretty ill.

IVF is hard because such a big part of it is advocating for yourself, which takes even
more physical and emotional energy than you might have. But in my experience, it
pays off. So, ladies: educate yourselves and advocate for yourselves.

WHAT WAS THE BIGGEST SURPRISE ABOUT THE PROCESS OF IVF?

Oh god, there are so many surprises throughout IVF. I think probably the biggest
surprise for me was how long it took to get our second baby, Jack, after having a relatively “easy” journey with our first, Bonnie. And then, after all of the testing, he happened to be our last transfer — an untested embryo.

I think what I’ve learned — and this might sound a bit spiritual — is that no matter
how much money or science you throw at it, you can’t just click your fingers and get
what you want. It really feels like it is partly written in the stars. I honestly believe
these little souls tell us when they’re ready.

Another surprise was discovering how resilient I am, and how resilient we are as a
couple. We went through five years of physical, emotional, and financial stress, and
we came out the other side. It’s amazing what you’re capable of handling when it
happens to you.

It is crazy how much your life feels like it’s on hold. You don’t make plans to go
overseas, or even for a weekend away. You’re financially stretched while doing it, and
you’re constantly thinking, “Oh, that thing we want to do might fall when we’re having
a transfer, or I might be in a two-week wait, or I might be this, or I might be that.”
I remember crying when we bought our current house and telling my husband, “I feel
like buying this house is closing the door on the IVF chapter” because of the
increased mortgage. What I found, though, was that when we realized, “Okay, we’ll
just loosen our grip on control over the situation. We’ll make some future plans,”
that’s when it happened — both times. Just try to let some enjoyment into your life,
you know?

During our second attempt, I remember thinking, “If this doesn’t work, I’m going on a
solo holiday to Bali and doing a retreat!”

I FEEL LIKE THE EXPERIENCE FADES SLIGHTLY OVER TIME BUT CAN YOU REMEMBER AN OVERRRIDING FEELING DURING THE JOURNEY?

If I had to pin down an overriding feeling, it would be trust and intuition. Whether it was
misguided or not, I truly believed I was going to be a mother. Even as a little girl, I felt
strongly that I would have a girl and a boy. Even when we were down to our last
embryo, I knew that if it didn’t happen through IVF, it would happen another way.
I guess it all comes back to mindset — I just so deeply believed it, and that belief kept
me in a more positive frame of mind.

CAN YOU DESCRIBE ANY SLOW RITUALS OR HABITS THAT YOU HAD THAT HELPED YOU THROUGH THE PROCESS?

Once I had fallen pregnant, I developed little mantras to get me through each day. I
would wake up every morning and repeat, “I am pregnant,” and with my second
pregnancy, I would say to myself, “My body has done this before.” Getting my mind in
the right place was so important for me.

WERE THERE ANY SMALL RITUALS THAT BECAME VITALLY IMPORTANT TO YOU?

At night, I would play fertility meditations. They really helped me reconnect with my
own mind, body, and intuition.

WAS IT EVER HARD TO SLOW DOWN?

I kind of slowed down, but not in a good way. IVF involves a lot of waiting — waiting
for results, waiting to become pregnant, and waiting for my baby to be born. I fell into
bad habits and would doom-scroll a lot just to take my mind off what was
happening.

I remember feeling like I was just existing, not really living, and actually accepting
that because I was aware of it. I thought, “It’s just a moment in time, right? I’m going
to be a blob for a little while!”

HOW DID THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU SUPPORT OR AFFECT YOUR ABILITY TO TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOURSELF?

I would say that the moments I needed for myself back then were all about self-care
— but with the help of other people. All I could do were the little things: a massage
here, a facial here and there. I had acupuncture, and I found it so relaxing — I would
highly recommend it to anyone going through IVF. I actually did a photoshoot with a
woman who became my acupuncturist, and our sessions always felt like therapy.Much like with therapists, it’s really important to find someone you connect with.

I think communication with friends and family is huge as well. I struggled to talk
about it at times, so I would just message the people closest to me: “We’re still
trying, but I don’t want to talk about it right now, so please don’t ask — I’ll tell you
when we’ve got news.” It’s important to set boundaries and help people help you.

When we were trying for Jack, I had a lot more mum friends around me, so I brought
them along on the journey as far as I could. But the last couple of times, I just didn’t
want to talk to anyone about it, so I told my friends I was taking a break.

LOOKING BACK NOW, DO YOU FEEL LIKE THOSE SLOW MOMENTS SHAPED HOW YOU MOVED THROUGH IVF?

Yeah for sure, I did take time to really acknowledge the positive things in my life.
Remembering to check in with myself and recognize what I was grateful for was
important and effective.

I also want to acknowledge that people have to bow out of this process every day — it’s
heartbreaking. I find it really difficult to say, “You just have to have a positive mindset,
keep the faith, hold on to your intuition, learn the lessons, and relax,” because the
reality is it doesn’t work out for everyone.

IF SOMEONE READING IS JUST BEGINNING THEIR IVF JOURNEY - WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO TELL THEM ABOUT THIS IMPORTANCE OF SLOWING DOWN?

People always told me to relax, but what I really needed to learn was how to let go a
little. You only have control to a certain extent, and once I got my head around the
fact that I could only control what I could control, it became a little easier.
I remember being really strict with my diet at one point — because when you’re
throwing all this money at IVF, you try to control what you can, right? I gave up coffee,
and then one morning I just realised how miserable I was without it. You’ve still got
to live your life and do the things that bring you joy.

You’re giving up your body — being poked and prodded and taking hormones. I just
needed a little bit of sunshine in my life, and for me, it was the damn coffee.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PRACTICAL ADVICE ON HANDLONG THE HUGE HIGHS AND LOWS CAUSED BY FLUCTUATING HORMONES IN YOUR BODY?

Thankfully, my body handled the hormones quite well, and I’m not someone who
experiences really bad PMS either, so I’m generally quite balanced. But the really big
lows would come, obviously, around things like pregnancy tests. It’s a lot for a
woman to carry — when it hasn’t worked, and you’re doing secret pregnancy tests at home... It's such pressure. And then you have to tell your partner, and it can feel like
you’ve personally failed.

It was also always hard to tell my husband, Phil. For people who haven’t gone
through it, some good advice is to check in with both partners — it’s not just the
female who’s affected. The male partner can feel helpless; their role is limited
physically, but emotionally they’re experiencing it too. So now, if I know a couple is
going through IVF, I make sure to check in with both of them. I can’t imagine going
through a process like that and feeling essentially invisible.

I would say that communication with your partner is key. Be vulnerable with them,
and give yourself grace. It’s not a personal failure — it’s a legitimate medical process.
A huge misconception is that it’s always “the female” or “dodgy eggs.” I read a
statistic recently — I don’t know if it’s exactly accurate, but often it’s as likely to be the
sperm as well. Just because one sperm test looks fine doesn’t mean it’s always the
eggs. That narrative gets repeated a lot, and it adds pressure. So, ladies, allow
yourself compassion. It’s not just you — you’re both going through this.

You need to let the emotions out. Cry with your partner. Let them hold you and go
through it together. Don’t feel like you have to shut down or pretend it’s “fine.” It’s
okay to cry. You don’t need to feel failure or embarrassment. The language of “it’s
failed” often makes you feel like you’ve personally failed, which I carried a lot at first.

DO YOU REMEMBER A TIME WHEN YOUR LOVED ONES CREATED A SLOW MOMENT FOR YOU THAT YOU REALLY HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN?

The moment that stands out for me is when I fell pregnant. My beautiful friends did a
baby blessing for me. I remember thinking, “We’re so lucky to have these people in
our lives.” They all gave me a little charm, and in that moment, I really realized that
we weren’t alone — all of our friends were by our side, rooting for us, and just as
happy for this baby to come into the world.

I was anxious throughout the whole pregnancy, and they made it so special for me to
actually celebrate it and feel their support. They had been such a part of the journey,
too — watching Bonnie when we went to appointments, supporting us emotionally...

LASTLY IS THERE A MEMORY, MANTRA OR MOMENT FROM THAT TIME THAT STILL STAYS WITH YOU TODAY?

I remember my best friend telling me she was pregnant, and I just cried — I was so
jealous. Mantras were really helpful; they pulled me back into a more positive frame
of mind. Negativity will never stop anyone from having a baby, but I needed to find a
more constructive way through it.

I actually had a mantra for whenever someone told me they were pregnant and my
first reaction was sadness for myself. I would reframe by thinking, “What I wish for
you, I wish for myself.” It was a way of reminding myself that you can hold happiness for
someone else and sadness for yourself at the same time.

All images courtesy of Cat Smith.